HOW NOT TO FIND A MAN

It may feel like a spring awakening outside – thanks to Mother Nature's arch nemesis climate change – but it is, in fact, December, which means singles up and down the country are facing another Christmas filled with pity and unwanted sympathy for the soul mates we haven't quite found yet. Yes, for us selfish singletons who have no offspring or lovers to shower (or be showered) with gifts it's time, according to our families, to take a long hard look at ourselves. So what if our career is finally on the up, we haven't been given child-bearing hips for nothing! We've got eggs to be fertilised and it's time we, well, found the right seed for the job. Sigh.

Don't get me wrong, I'm an independent women and I do not need a man. In fact, I don't even have time for a man (#21stcenturyprobs). But, alas, I do want a man. However, so time poor am I that I don't have even an evening each week to seek one out. And I can tell you for certain that he's not lurking underneath a chocolate gateaux, nor can he be found at the bottom of glass of wine (although, I'd probably argue otherwise once I'd consumed said wine).

Time-famished singles rejoice! Apparently, he can now be found on Tinder. Like internet shopping but for a man (or women!). A catalogue of selfies and all you have to do is swipe left for no and right for like (all together now in your best Paddy Magiure voice “no likey, no rightey!”).

The dating app was launched in 2012 and, according to Wikipedia, was registering aproximatley one billion swipes per day by 2014. At first, the app was felt by the masses to be less a dating and more a sex app. No strings fun, and the chance to hand pick your partner -- rather than downing 6 gin and tonics and settling for the best out of a bad bunch at the end of the night.

I've been a Tinder user for a good 12 months and I've yet to find true love. Sighs. Maybe I'm just too picky. Maybe I swiped left to the love of my life 6 months ago and am destined to be a lonely spinster forevs. This seemingly irrational anxiety is only affirmed by friends who are in 'happily matched on tinder' relationships.

One of my love drunk pals says had it not been for tinder she “probably would of got a boyfriend in time..probably after a couple of years” YEARS?! She agreed that like me “not many men come up to [her] when [she's] out.” Not least, because they're too busy to notice our dashing good looks because THEY'RE GLUED TO THEIR PHONES ON NONE OTHER THAN TINDER. wailing emoji x3

Perhaps I'm simply too old fashioned -- I need to get with the times and stop with this silly fantasy that I'll bump into the love of my life at a bus stop or a party. Maybe I'm less 'shallow as a puddle' and more 'deep as a well'. Hmm, maybe not.

In all honesty, I really struggle to feel a deep and meaningful 'connection' with someone I haven't even met. And, cynical as I am, I just find it all a bit fake. Certain their online persona, like the rest of ours, is glorified and artificial.

That said, I do have several friends who now have Tinder relationships and some have even surpassed the one year mark. fugly sluts! So do their beaus live up to their tinder bios? And how do they tell people they met?

Another one of my bezzies said that her tinder boyf “wasn't as eccentric as he came across in his pictures” which at the time had been a deciding factor for swiping right but in hindsight was not actually what she was looking for. This begs the question, do we actually no what we want? And do we delude ourselves into swiping right for an ideal, or a fantasy that will never live up to our expectations?

Maybe it is just a bit of fun and I should stop being such a Buzz Killington about it. If you're happy to be judged on you're best selfie rather than you're independence, intelligence and self-worth that's A-Okay. Maybe we should stop looking for true love on our phones and simply look up. In the meantime, I've got some matches to respond to.

#tinder #boys #men #december #single #wine #chocolate #selfie #bezzies #relationships #bof